Christmas is known to make the crazy crazier. Triggers, loneliness, stress of families and finances. I don’t think you have to be crazy to become crazy at Xmas, I think the most normal can fall victim. The normal would struggle, so losing your mind is ok I tell myself as I pour another wine. The main contributing factor to my loss of mind is that I have bpd. A curse of a mental health illness with no cure and no medication to treat. It is one that requires management and this is what I fight hard to do every single minute of my life since diagnosis. I work my nutty arse off in full time therapy ( a tc to those in the know), surrounded by people who are brave, strong, and equally mental. It’s like a tea party with nine Alice’s (psychotherapists) keeping the lid on the teapots. Three days a week, with 24/7 support, so far for 16 months,another 9 to go,because I am that batshit.
My intention isn’t to get a big spade and dig up the past to explain my condition. Mostly because I’m still learning and partly who wants a sob story? Nor to explain in detail why this Xmas was so shocking, I can summarise it with saying one ex, one boyfriend, three kids, single motherhood, and all of it not behaving. My intention is to write as much as I need to understand for myself how I think, how I manage, my cycles and behaviours.
So now days past Xmas and in three days no one has been murdered, no suicide attempts have been made and I have no new scars to represent the festive season. Winner. Three days with my ex acting the absolute twit,my boyfriend abandoning me to go travelling (abandonment.Tick box ✅) and my childrens beautiful little minds requiring protecting. The dog even has a part by peeing everywhere including over the Xmas presents. Whilst I cope by screaming at the wrong people ✅, opening the wine for one glass ✅ (cough cough) and seeing what’s in the medical cabinet for when it gets any worse ✅ . All the while presenting like a stepford ✅ . Dusting hands off,who is exhausted?
Only the hatter is happy mad and this is a world I require no looking glass for. So let’s cope. How do I cope when left and under the strain? Prayyyyyy for my own blog help.