Single and Sideways.

He hadn’t even stepped off his stupid plane and I had spent the day with some foreign substance pouring out of my eyes. It stung, brought out a rash and made my eyes swell. I was a step away from screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting”.                                                   What is this new hell?! I never cry. Absolutely never. Throw me a truama and not a tear rolls down my face. But over a dude?!  No. Just no. Plus I have the ugliest crying face. So I took the measures I have used forever and are known to work. I got rid of him. e65b3f32fe2dd519fb2d33c4f1444359By this I mean between me and my fellow crazy birds we eradicated my home of any sign of his existence. Admittedly even they found my strategy a bit odd. Apparently they just keep busy and pine when their men are gone. For a week! Or a weekend! Not a fuckin month.               Bedding was washed to rid smells,every item was put away into unused drawers, photos removed, big items stored under the bed or in the loft, the man was never here. Sod being a military wide, I would suck ass. Boom boom pow. Boyfriend whom?

This strategy actually works well, too well. Not one tear over my past relationship of twelve years,people around me can die and again nothing. I totally cut off and shut down and forget. Or so I think.  It occurred to me in Tc this isn’t actually the case,my grief comes out in a controlled,sideways manner (stepford approaching). Normally by writing to the dead, or talking to them in my head. Orrrr in the case of the living I make check ins with them so I know their ok. Probably mind blasting people along the way, whilst making sure I didn’t mind blast them when we were together. Paying for my sins. But who cares? After that their gone again. I can definitely say I do this mostly to men,probably because their the only people that happen to get close.

He did ring to say he was emotional and questioning why he did this. I truly never want him sad and I know somewhere I love this man. Of course. So I found ” you will be fine. I love you and I want you to enjoy this” spilling out of my mouth. Batshit brain orders. Internal rage kicking in at him or me or both? ” yes I know you love me” I reply. Bollocks with a huge eye roll.

So bedtime approaches and me and my new single self (obviously unbeknown to him) settle into the middle of the bed. Just how would two people ever fit in here? Imagine cuddling someone? Pft. So pleased I have no man junk cluttering up my gorgeous room. Who would want that? Not me. This is gonna be the best time of my life. Time to totally dedicate to my children, to myself, oooo when can I go out? Ooo what can I get up to? Maybe I will be fine.

All is going well. Until I have the realisation that I actually wore his pj’s to bed. Sideways. I hate him! 20151229_021805