Survive next year. Keep the sins.

I’m definitely not one for new years resolutions, to me it is total codswallop. Resolutions are hopes that you actually could achieve but know you won’t. The only real thing about resolutions is that they are put in place to allow you to self sabotage and make your ways and behaviours justifiable because breaking them is the done thing.

I am going into the new year making a therapeutic decision. It’s one that sounds so simple to most but it has taken me a lot of work to believe. I am going to put my worth first. It’s a huge thing really, if you have none or little you allow a lot. What you allow will land and become. It makes confidence and self esteem foggy and also makes life messy and clunky. If I can’t do it for me then it becomes about my children, who should know they are worth the world and should never allow anyone to push their boundaries and adjust their own sense of self worth.

ef051d029e933539119dfd4ce17535f4As for the man,(Mr Duck I shall refer to him as in future, there is significance to this name I won’t explain as it will have you reaching for your sop sick bucket) I’m not sure where I stand. I’m still suffering conflict because I feel my worth has been questioned. My boundaries pushed. It’s a sign of character disregarding the one you love but equally shows they respect their own sense of self worth which is a good thing. So it will take thoughts and ponders.  I whole heartedly hope his experience offers him time to reflect. Time to heal. Time to learn what’s important and reflect on his own behaviours. I hope Mr Duck gains something. I do love him immensely of course. I love that my geek side and his can appeal to one another. I wonder if anyone else would match my pace for venture. He is as tactile as me, he is equally as childish to me in this way. He can be young and of age all together which I relate with. Two people with child and adult egos missing the parent one, stumbling through life together attempting to be the others parent when needed (explains how needs don’t get met easily.. Hm). We share an appreciation for pj’s and alike, we never argue and sleep on it, we let each other have freedom and are willing to say when we want that person back and finally who else would I feel such achievement in winning battleships against. I just wonder if the lack of my needs being met or recognised is going to pull it down. I try hard to meet my own but ultimately isn’t it a sign of caring to meet someone else’s? My coping mechanisms at this time I pray don’t win and another consideration is will our trust become stretched and break. An issue we both have. I miss him dreadfully however it becomes.

What has to be my biggest consideration above all is that I love my children and what I can teach them. A year of putting my worth first should aid teaching them their worth, making my boundary shield stretch and be present.  I would love to practice what I learn more and gift them with the knowledge secretly. Anyone that doubts a mental health mother is foolish. Most of the crazy makes them extremely good mums and if anything has to kill the children it’s the suffocation of love that kills,not the crazy. That is why mums take children in suicide. To protect them not harm. Debate away.

I am going to definitely take lessons from Mr Duck. I need to look after me and do what that requires.  Trips away with friends arranged. Venice in weeks. Prague in months. I am going to arrange life with no dependency. Co dependency is a dangerous game and a hard one to recognise, as well as a tough cookie to break. I feel it’s safe to say (therapy I’m sure in this statement)  I loved him longer and truer than he has I. Not based on his travel decision but based on reflection. Nor through deceit but through grief. Grief is a terrible thing and does terrible and peculiar things to people. It will either offer the gift of recognising the life they have or rob them of the little life they felt they had left.  The latter applies to him. I have to step back and accept my angel wings are defeated with him and maybe let him grow his own. I also have learned in future if circumstances have it, I will definitely be handing out application forms to prospective men. References will be required, any holidays booked to be stated, possibly a doctors note to state mental health issues and of course a CRB check.

So here’s to another year. It will probably be worse than the last because that’s the rule of sod. It is offering a year of life until the next. It is what we do with it, learn from it, and make of it. So it is a commitment of sorts. Let the diets, the gym, the drinking less and others such as go. There is a much bigger picture to a new year and your gonna need that shit to survive. Survive we will,its what we are born to do. So cherish the good, cherish the bad, and cherish every detail in between. Surviving is living and living alone is something we should cherish,especially when it’s something that many struggle to do. If you do it. Do it well.