No one gets it, no one’s see’s and it would be nice to be seen without showing anything. Because this isn’t asking for much. This doesn’t set up a problem for failure. But today was different, today I was very much seen and it came from an unlikely, to me, source. Probably a very likely source according to others, it was my brother. I have often questioned if this is a relationship of some form of Co dependency and in ways I do think so, but how do u break down a relationship with someone that has grown with you and you can’t remember not being in you life? Ponders.
To say I have been near the end as of late is an understatement. I truly feel my show is over and I am ready to bow out. I won’t. My kids trap me into this death sentence called life, but it isn’t stopping my mind from detaching and disappearing into autistic fantasy and suicidal fantasy. I cried my three year old self out today. It came from no where, in front of my brother who I like to remain in elder sibling role for. A little bit leaked and then more and more and more. I ended up sobbing my heart out. He listened to my mumbles and understood. Finally someone verified I was okay to feel this. I was right to find it too much. Until I spoke about my duck. It was in this moment my brother smothered me and said ” you are separating. This isn’t you. This is your demons talking to me”. Wahahahahahahahaha. More tears. Because whilst I know I can’t stop the thoughts torturing me. I can’t stop them feeling rational. I think all my thoughts are correct. I can’t trust him. He is a liar. He is selfish. Mean. Doesn’t care. He doesn’t care for me or my little me. I tried speaking to him about how I felt and he just continued to talk about his travels. I sit struggling and he detaches and is probably shagging away anyway. True.
So while I know they may be distorted thoughts (I lie. It’s real. I’m right) I think I don’t really want him back. It’s not the relationship or man for me. This seems like de je vu. I have been here many times. With him. With others. I leave these relationships because the truth comes to light quickly. I put them under the rug and move on. If you can’t escape easily at times escape for good on your one chance.
Now. Now comes the bit I hope is real,the ol’cliche “it isn’t you it’s me”. Why people mock this I don’t know, this seems to be the most honest reason people end relationships. I split, I am paranoid, I’m distrusting, and I’m young,emotionally and mentally. This is not okay. Why I have ever entertained the idea of being in a relationship is a bloody mystery. It is not fair on anyone to be with me. This is not healthy, happy or normal. I can’t. I try and I try but as it stands, still I can’t do it. If I do then it costs them. Like now I don’t think I will ever not be resentful and hurt over him leaving, over what I see to be deceit of purchases that knowingly hurt me. Over me feeling I pick up after someone’s struggles yet left to struggle alone for a long time, to me it feels. Always feeling he does not show consideration to my needs and feelings. That’s not ok. I should not be so sensitive, but also I should speak more in the first place. I should trust myself more. I doubt myself too much. It’s like I expect someone else to show me the way then become hurt by the way it is. So really. It is me not you.
I now believe I am not in a place, possibly never will be, to be in a relationship. My desires, wants and needs are too ideal. I want someone to see me without me saying or showing. I want these insecurities comforted and I want my needs met. My needs are too way out there, too young, for anyone in their right mind to concept or be skilled enough to offer. In front of them is this functioning woman in her thirties managing family and home. How could they? So I think I am about to resign myself to a life repairing and recovering. I have soon to be thirty five years of hurt, badly adapted mechanisms, grief, shame and trauma to recover from. If I can.
If he wants and needs a life where he can rebuild himself in what ever form it takes really I should take a leaf from this. Not lose myself to his. Likewise for him. The whole thing is now unhealthy, it’s rotted from the inside out because we where both too broken to see or repair as we went. I know enough of him to know he will be feeling the same. He will remember things I say and do and take them as a negative and rejection or disapproval, as a huge narcissistic injury. I don’t want to be another one of these in his life. If I did see this month through and attempt to continue I know I would find his hands tainted and his mind questionable.
So now what? Splitting is a vile thing. I wish I could express how ugly it is and how destroying it is on ones self and those around them. I take the fact that I lasted longer before splitting than I thought as a good thing. Not good enough yet. I surrender to it, my white flag is up. I went to war and I lost the battle. For me I personally think until I learn to manage these triats and learn to hear what is right and wrong in myself I should be a lone wolf. For the sake of everyone.
I’m annoyed that I have put my children through this. Again. They attach and I rid. They attach and they leave. I’m allowing them to build cycles and beliefs that are not correct. I go into every relationship like it’s marriage with no exception,for better or for worse right? Realistically I’m not fit to make this commitment and I meet people similar. My word would be squished in court on grounds of my unstable mind. So it should be no different here. I’m annoyed at myself, I’m annoyed at him and I’m annoyed at life for having power over it all. I’m taking the power away.
I do not understand still how I get to this. I don’t fully understand why, protection in some extreme form I guess, and I don’t understand the need for behaviours along the way. I know harm and suicide becomes a given, I want to escape yes, but my mind mostly. It becomes so intense whilst going through this process its like being hurt freshly every time I wake up. We both knew the splitting would happen, we both knew and had no strategy, not that I would have known where to begin with that. I find the emotions and thoughts so intense and divided that it’s harder to manage knowing he can heal and enjoy his time. Mostly because,at this time and in this moment, i think I have paid the price. Corrr I could be talking utter shite. Knowing me this is most likely. Today. In this night. It’s real.