I did it with lots of poop

I did it! My last normal to bed normal to rise before I get back to swimming. I never, EVER,  want to experience that again. With anyone. The whole bloody experience is just one shit your pants scenario after another. My duck is coming home.

In a month and a day,  I have battled with parents over children, spent every week in my sons school, prevented him from all kinds of pre teen drama, pulled him out of the drama I couldn’t prevent, dealt with an ex that makes me question if I had shit in my eyes for twelve years, managed a daughter starting her first ever relationship, which involved some scary moments with her body dismorphia, maintained a home and my family, worked ridiculously hard in therapy, spent a weekend in Venice with my mother and managed to somehow got dragged kicking and screaming into a drama triangle that has resulted in the breakdown of many relationships around me. Including the one I have with my brother ( not so codepedant now aye). And of course managed a long distance relationship with my duck. No duck. No hugs of ok.

My haven’ts became good. A lot of things that have truly had me shit my pants at the start. I haven’t cheated. I did not use my go to whoreish ways, better yet I didn’t want to (probably didn’t have the energy either, u saw my do’s).  This one had me trembling with fear. I also haven’t drank like I would and like I was. No drink midweek and only during the weekends I went out, granted these weekends tested the liver but everything likes to be tested to know their ability. I haven’t harmed.  That’s right, another occasion to not have been marked out on my body. I have felt like it,at times so much my body had tears coming out of every pore, but still nothing.  I haven’t killed anyone and no one has killed me. Yet. Suicidal fantasy has certainly behaved like a rollercoaster but here I am typing. So all my shitty knickers and shit my pants fears have been overcome.

It’s fairly amazing. Miraculous almost. This would not have happened before therapy and it definitely wouldn’t have happened without it. Bloody soul sucking place. It also wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t decided to trust him. But I did, which also shows my projection has decreased. I accept I may be wrong to trust, who knows but what I have taken from it is that trust isn’t about the other person, it’s about your own sense of self. I feel I am now worth loving…. A little. That I am worth being treated well… Mostly. That I am on the most part (acting out aside and this month I havent)  a catch in ways. Yes I’m crazy and yes I fall and yes I reach out to bad mechanisms..  But I do have a good heart and up until now I allowed people to spit on it. I can’t be rid of it so it shall be treated with what it is deservant. I also have needs and their mine and not for someone else to validate. There is something about trust that always implies it’s the other persons duty to earn. The other persons power.  The other persons perception of you. It isn’t. Not for me I don’t think. Trust is there when you feel confident of your self. Your worth. You set boundaries and do not have them crossed. You love you. You trust you. You trust in your own judgement and your own self.

My duck I thought had the trust power, the ability to make it or break it. I thought he dragged that son of a….. all over Thailand. He didn’t. It didn’t get in his backpack. It stayed here with me. You see surely if you have no self esteem and no confidence you don’t trust. Because you believe no one will want you,  no one will love you, you are not worthy of them,  at any moment they will act on that,leave, find better. And if your batshit what does that make them for being with you? Even worse and more untrustable. But surely once you do not feel these things the trust appears and is yours. The trust is yours. You trust you. Trusting you is the hardest trust to have, it was actually where all my trust issues landed. Much easier to project that out. Makes truth in that a cheater will always accuse the other of being unfaithful. That’s me, I do this,  just quietly on the inside so I appear normal. I didn’t trust my own behaviours so why would I trust anyone else’s.

Don’t get me wrong. I have been jealous, angry, sad, overwhelmed,content, suspicious, all at once. Everything. I have felt everything since he has been away, I have ridden this train continously in circles the whole time. Just for once pondering my mind on my travels.

My last hurdle of this experience is to overcome the meeting him at the airport. Already pooping panties. I become all anxious thinking about it. I know I will suddenly become that five year old uncollected at school again but this time seeing a parent walk through the gate. I worry I won’t attach back, act normal, oh god what if my speech goes because my brain forgets my mouth under panick. What if.. What if..  What if. I hope my need and want for him back wins. I miss his skin. His warmth when I’m cold. I miss him more than I was willing to say.

There is a sense of a line to his return. Hopefully a line drawn to both of our acting out ways. A line to the hurt we have both been through as of late, together and alone, a line to the injustices we have brought to one another, a line that we now know if we love each other we won’t cross. No more risk. I hope. Idealistic.  I think it is forgiving I’m talking about. No one forgets these things but we can choose to forgive, we accept we deal with and decide if that other is worth having this from us. I partly think if someone Can hurt you so much then surely the love is so deep it has to be worth a shot.

So.  Today’s waffle summary. I’m shitting my pants all the time. I trust myself more and as a result I have increased trust outwardly. Even when it goes wrong. I forgive those I believe warrant my forgiveness and I feel able to accept what was, what is and what maybe can be.

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