I have often pondered why it is that nearly all of my friends are somewhat mad. Half should have a diagnosis and a quarter do, the other quarter are apparently normal ( whispers” their the worst” behind their backs).
Recent events have had me struggling to understand friendship and question why it is that I become that ” bad influence friend”. The saying “if you fly with the crows then you get shot with the crows” is true sadly for friends. Crows are one of three species that form an army and go to war, so I find it fitting to apply this idiom. Fuck with one girl and you will be up against her sister army.
There are of course girl codes. These are simple. Do not ever have romantic or sexual relations with anyone your chum is with, been with, wants to be with, has ever looked at or has accepted a drink from. Never ever break secrets and confidentiality, no matter if you argue, don’t agree on things or fall out, to the death you take these things, no exceptions. The other is to love and care for one another, through it all,even when their children or manhubs are unbearable. You tell them nothing that they will find hurtful, or struggle with,unless your a million times sure it’s with love from the truest form. You love your girl unconditionally. The last one is a bit grey to most, you love their flaws more than their good bits, so if you need to talk about it you can. But ain’t no other bitch allowed. Because whilst it may sound like you are talking about her behind her back, you and next girlwife know it’s actually with an annoying love and endearment.
Now for the bit I think has the crazy attracting the crazy. Jargon bargon poopants to the theory it’s because there are similarities and foundational life experiences. It’s because when you are crazy you have little, none or questionable, amounts of self love. No self love is a dangerous game. No worth is an unbearable game. No skills and your screwed no matter your choice of game. So what we do is attract people we know understand that missing bit because they miss it too. Or bits of it. We choose qualities that will compliment, enhance, give, teach and share with us. Or in my case do the job totally for me. In return they get the same. I can totally give to others what I cannot give to myself,I will do my best by them always and unquestionably. If it means being mean to make sure they have the better outcome so be it. If it requires that I occasionally take their man’s side again so be it. Because I love them and because I love them I love their families and so forth. But it becomes a messy sisterhood when into this mix you throw men. Men who do not understand this missing part friendship filler.
I feel I have taken the fall for various friends behaviours. The reason is that their men believe I formed some crow army. Instead of shooting down their flying bird, it’s easier for them to digest shooting down the one that they believe decides on the battle. The one they don’t love. It’s a given and I understand it, I am just beginning to find it sad. Yes I am reckless, I have chaotic lifestyles and relationships, it’s not a secret. I love to go out and yes I like to drink, because for me it’s an escape and the safest one I have. It is not a problem within my relationships so I boggle as to why it is a problem for men I am not in a relationship with. Fear that I make your partner do it? Fear my own self hate and destructive behaviours is something i encourage in their partners? What ever their own insecurities are I get placed with some projective fear and confirmation. If there was no insecurity then there would be no displacement. Why on earth would I encourage, stand by or allow, my friend to cause herself harm? Pain? Tears? Loss? Never. Not ever. I would crutch their shit and carry them, attempt to build and support with them. Not instead of a partner, not even equal to their partner. But as a friend. Everyone requires, deserves, should have a support network. Not one single person, not only a partner, or only a friend, because that hazes into something completely dependant, which is a ball game no body wants to put a shirt on to. Trust me.
I feel blessed with my friends. Men have come and gone, my children have days when they hate me and life’s unfair, even within my own relationships I need someone to make me put the shovel down. Ultimately friends truly enhance the areas of my life most precious. They cheer on my achievements, my families achievements, even my man’s achievements. As I do theirs, with the biggest pom poms. If this wasn’t the case, would we be friends? For most, friends become an extension of your family. They pull you up, the tell you off, they guide, love, respect and honour everything. I know how it feels to destroy your self, to destroy life around you, to risk everything, to try and tidy it up and to sometimes manage it and to sometimes not. I know living with internal pain daily and I most definitely know how to make sure every decision I make to be the wrong one. Would I want anyone I love to feel a pinch of that?
The best thing so far from therapy is the friends it gives me. The ones that totally understand how I got crazy, what feeds it, not because you tell them but because it’s like they where there. They see without glasses. I cannot photo these friends due to confidentiality but this is what I found to be the best portrayal of these friendships
So embrace your friends. Every one. Their pitfalls you should love,because something needs cherished and you can do that. Love their good. They will help you flourish and your life bloom, as you will do the same for them . As the years go on and your life changes, as things go right and things go wrong, they will always be there.
I have the friends I know are always there, my sex in the city like crew, the ones I speak to every day, the ones that know far too much about my sex life and understand every single tear. These girls have helped me through my worst, my ugly, they see my heart and my mind and I truly hope I offer the same. I love them dearly and whilst I can’t offer them guidance on how to get it right, I can certainly make sure they don’t get it as wrong as I have and do.
There are the friends that I have known for years, the ones I can’t shake off, the fun ones I get pished with as we fill each other in on the six month gap from seeing each other. Each awful moment becoming funnier, each occasion involving children or spouses met with empathetic eyes. Loyal and lasting and with far too much energy. Bitches know I will hide out at yours when I am on the run.
There are also ones I have lost. Ones I remember with as much fondness as I can. Ones that bring sadness when I cast my mind back to, secrets and knowledge with the same rules forever applied. Lost because they did not know these basic rules. Despite this I made whispered oaths and I shall still die in the confession box if anyone tried to make me speak. They were friends once and I must always remind myself of why I loved them. Not why I don’t now. What ever their impact they were a big part of my life at some point.
No one however can beat the friendship of a sister. I feel genuine sadness for girls with no sister. It is the truest form of friendship you will find. I could not be without mine,she definitely knows more than any and has watched me grow and fall and has grown and fallen with me along the way. She is nuts and sensitive and makes for the perfect mix. So far the only person I can be hangry alongside. A best friend given to you, one you share blood with and share memories no one else could ever have been apart of.
We are nearly done. I adopted family along the way. They blend friendships and family with a tight bind. With the same codes and love families have, wrapped in loyal and honest friendship. Three beautiful, strong and stupidly caring people, their own mother I forced my child like self into the life of. They make me proud, safe and accepted as one. A gift they inherited.
Oldest friend, I grew up with, I did all the bad shit together with,the one I learned friendship codes with and still stayed together. Who knew about every shitty boyfriend, we where together as our boobs grew and the crewcuts grew out. This one will be forever and years can pass and I know one text and she will chat for hours like no time has passed. This one probably has seen and heard more than any. This one is the one I would still phone first if I lost someone unbearably close.
Clearly… I was a heftier girl in this.
And my favourite moment. The friend you raise. The friend you have yet to have. The friend that doesn’t know it yet but will one day possibly and hopefully be your best friend. The one you believe to be the most amazing, the most gorgeous, the funniest, the cleverest, the most talented an wonderful, the one you would die for.