The Teaches of Thailand

An overdue blog, I had not known what to write about his return because I had yet to know what to feel about it.
I am not even sure if I can honestly say I know what they are now, I do seem to be having thoughts and feelings I am responding to. Not healthily either.
I was not as okay as I had liked to have thought about him going. The relationship for me was already beginning to show cracks, but because I was the only one to have seen them I distrusted my judgement. I have spoken about these in the blogs whilst he was away so without rehashing and as a quick reminder we had,  grief, needs, looking after ones self and worth. Plus a whole lot of splitting.
Now when I look back on that month I can see it for much more than it was,not for him but for me. Yes I struggled at times, again more so with myself, and yes it brought up the obvious, but actually….  My skin was gorgeous after a week, my eating was the healthiest it has been in a long time, my children were calmer, as a family we worked. I worked. My friendships grew and I saw people, I made support calls, my therapy I gave my all, I worked my ass off, I saw so much of my family. I laughed alot and I found time for me.  I also did not drink during the week or have the need to.

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The niggles with him remain. He will not openly offer up information on things that bothered me before he went. He will allow a friend to take the brunt of my suspicion despite claiming I am incorrect. He still stands by his ” it’s different for me” rules. My needs are still my own and unsupported. I pretty much feel like I set myself on fire to keep him warm.

Since he has returned, I feel I am back under a cloud. His moods ripple out, he has attempted to become a dictator to my family ( unsuccessfully because of my fiercely protective parenting), he spends any time with me mostly on his phone. Every night he goes out for a while, or has something to do, every weekend with no children I make plans with out him for one night because I know otherwise I will sit within the four walls that incarcerate me, we don’t have fun together. Apparently my old drinking habits that he experienced twice put him off of nights out with me (most of his friends are mash heads and he loves being out with them. Again. I’m different). Weekends with all of our children are just something I gawp at.
He will arrange himself and child as pleases, this means car is doing as he wants, so I don’t know what I can or can’t do with my own children. Dinners I don’t know what I am doing, I get no help tidying or clearing it feels. A little. But why am I constant?  He wants to take his child swimming and mine hear this. Obviously we don’t go. I am poor because I am funding all of them eating and heating and washing, I am the one
unable to do things and buy my children things. Yet he can and does because I am supporting him. His need to save, his need to pay for things, his need to have money to do things.
Last night,  a Saturday,  he took himself to bed at ten, I stayed up lonely drinking wine and watching tv.

He laughed at something yesterday and I realised we rarely laugh together. He will laugh at things he says that are cruel or humiliating, but together little. Both of us actually have a witty humour but between us it’s dying nor do either of us talk about our deeper selves to each other. I learned before Thailand this was the case for him and after his return and continuing need to keep his life, his life, I gave up. It feels like one person is always talking, or trying to interest the other, one person mentions going away together, one person holds it all,and themselves, and the children.

My skin is a frigging mess and I ache all the time. I do not want to go into therapy because I give up. I am stuck in my choices. To go to mania to get this shit into oblivion, to medicate, to harm, to go, so here I am in the place I know best. So so still. Still but bubbling.
He asks me what is wrong and I just think either a) fuck off or b) stop projecting your own shit.
Which I know you will all be sat thinking…. Girl admits she isn’t ok?!  Typical female. It isn’t. I am with a plank. Who is so stuck in grief and self absorbed wallowing,  him him him.  I do not want to give him anything left of me or anymore of what I have.

Today I just feel like… Go back to Thailand. Because clearly it worked. We lived separate lives and had someone to say “I love you” to. It was not what happened so much whilst he was away, it is more, seeing what happened on his return. I have fresh eyes.

The trouble is I can feel myself frizzing. I can feel myself wanting to become a nasty manic crazy person, I feel itchy and ocd, my eyes want to pop out of their sockets, I am so anxious my heart is going to escape through my throat. So how can I trust any of my thoughts or feelings when I actually don’t feel very well. It’s a chicken and egg scenario. What comes first?

I would love to have someone to laugh with, until my sides split laugh, to go out with, to dance with, to holiday with. Or at least have someone who wants these things with me. He will say he does but it never amounts to anything. I don’t have a dick or the word friend associated so I don’t meet the tick box.
I am going away next weekend with my friend for my birthday. We don’t spend new years together, birthdays. Christmas we did once and he got drunk and went out and came home when the children were in bed. He even had the audacity to say yesterday  ” someone asked why you go places without me”  IS HE SHITTING ME?!
Bastard only got a passport to go away for a month. He did not want one before. I have asked for holidays with and without children. He is the one with excuses. He is the one who never makes it a priority, or help make it materialise. So now I just do my own thing and that is not okay either.

I give up. This is not a relationship. This is not even two people living their lives coming together. This is one person for ever crutching the other.
I feel like an arsehole because today is an anniversary date for him, for someone so important to him that is no longer here. I can’t help him. I have always helped him. Today I do not want him near me. Do not talk to me. Do not touch me. I am trying to do it with a smile and normality. He has gone out done his thing,spent twenty minutes sat on a sofa whilst I kill myself in the garden, so I justify it with ” he doesn’t want to be near you either”.

I watched hancock with my children today. I chuckled at the similarities I have in relationships to those Hancock had with his built partner Mary. Cannot be apart due to some force of the universe, yet destroying each other when together too long. I need to be back in my “he is in Thailand” state. How? Think and do as I did then? Get myself in order because then that ripple is the biggest one? Just live life like it is me and the children and he is whatever?

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At what point do I hang up the lingerie and think it’s me?Of course it’s always me. When do I realise I want something impossible? Or did I throw my chances away? Am I going to repeat history? What is this?
All the while I wish he was back in Thailand and I’m pretty sure he wishes he was back in Thailand. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, what it does is give you the opportunity to see like you should have done the first time.

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