“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies” has come to be a quote I have moved into my moto island.
My paranoia and Schitzotypal scores on the ipde are high ( along with others, possible blog inspiration), in defence of this I would like to say… No BLOODY WONDER! I suspect my high scores are a reflection of everyone I have had a relationship with.
Betrayal,lying,deception,dishonesty, deceit, cheating, keeping hold of the truth, behaving in ways you cannot speak of to those you love the very most. It is all the same. I have lived a life full of this from one person or another and I cannot claim to be innocent either.
There are of course acceptable lies “noooo your ass does not look big” acceptable. Lying for good is always okay, especially where children are concerned, santa is totally real right?! But deceit for own gain and gratification without a sense of the other makes any reason void. Without the sense of the other in your life your actions become detrimental to that person and eventually yourself. It’s the rule of sod, a whole level away from your bread landing butter side down. To do this knowing that your lack of honesty will really mess with someone’s already poor mental health makes you a true ( no lies) absolute nunney.
This has been the situation for me for what would seem to have been two years. Two years of believing I was important, respected, understood, cared for, loved, gone in the pop of a rain cloud. I have few boundaries for others and almost none for myself, the one I have for my other is simple and stated from the get go. I have suspected, asked, begged, cared for the truth only to be met with lies upon lies,deceit, huge dishonesty drenched in theatrics, and the lowest method.. Making out it was me,making me feel it was my paranoia, my schitzotypal, my schizoid, resulting in me believing not only was I struggling I was getting worse. I felt I would ruin something amazing, a future, I would deny a loving relationship for us both. I would destroy it all with my ways. If only it ended there.. Then I question myself, I hate myself, I tolerate more and more things that are not healthy and are not acceptable because I no longer trust my mind and I no longer like myself enough to think I am worth it anyway.
I now doubt every single thing in our time together, not one memory is without tarnish, not one thing said to me I can believe, because if it had have been true I would not be in the situation I am now.
Lies have a huge domino effect and it is easy to believe that the first one falls when the truth comes to light, it is not then. The first domino falls the second you lie, or keep it away from the ones you love. You flick that first one, you flick the chain of the fallen, you end up with the mess and you end up alone picking it up. If the belief is that the lie will keep your relationship then you are wrong, because you have flicked, there is only one outcome. Because choosing to keep it in or continue the betrayal undoes anything and everything you have. It turns to tarnish, to a window view in to something that was real.
So what now? After the flick? The flicker hates the mess, maybe expected the fallen or sits in astonishment as to how easily and quickly the rest fall. The dominos are the ones that feel the pain of the bump. Not only their own pain, they know the pain about to be felt by the one behind them and behind them. The domino can sense each ones anticipation of the pain, the disappointment of the flicker, the fear of the fall. When a flicker stacks they do with care, precision, thought, admiration, and pride. Why would a domino suspect that first flick?
So I live in now avoidant, dependant, antisocial fear. I am desperate to untangle it. My brain tells me to leave the pile of domino’s and the flicker on the floor. I am not responsible for anything but my own heart and my own mind. My heart loves him, so very much, it feels sad for him. The realistic rational me knows he flicked, he made his choice knowing the implications and the consequences,this fact alone speaks through a megaphone clearly. Also how is there a future when the past has been destroyed? When who I thought he was has been destroyed? When who I thought I was to him has been destroyed?
He claims to seek help, two weeks now and no help taken, no attempt to gain. More domino rows?
To know that the result would have an immense impact on my mental health, something I fight so hard to correct is the most questionable and telling of character.
It would seem people do what ever it takes to meet their own needs and gain their own singular gratification at the cost of anyone and even those who are of importance to them. As domino’s what can we do? Escape the box? Fall before hit? Fall sideways?
Moto island says ” a lie keeps you in the past and the truth takes you to the future”.