I do not believe I want for much in relationships,any relationship, be it a partner, a friend, parental and child,even between myself and the dog. What I want is an honest, trustful, respectful,loving relationship. I want to have someone who can reach into my broken shards and hold them together whilst I attempt to fix them. I would like to share life with someone in all its glory and misery. To investigate the things that have a shared interest or the experiences you stumble across together. I would like to know that my darkest thoughts could be shared without judgements and that I too would listen without my own. I would like to have anothers mind I am so very much in that any triggers of pain would not be touched. I accept the impossible and I accept I have to accept less, whilst many of you will disagree with my sacrificial statement, I shall explain why.
In my time at therapy I have accepted many a thing. I have built a mental scaffolding to assist me to climb around and build upon things of which I struggle. The one thing I have realised I cannot do is intimacy. I want it. I crave it. Give me it. But I cannot offer it back and I cannot tolerate it when given.
I stumbled across this realisation whilst researching what I perceived to be my Ducks flaws. He cannot be honest, with the best intention and with all the will in the world he cannot do it. His own fears and needs are to great. He cannot talk about his soul and his heart, well actually he can, just not with me so much. He cannot meet needs because he cannot meet his own, he cannot even identify his own. He mainly sources life to obtain his own desires, in a subconscious way I like to believe. There is no real understanding of future life that is together. Holidays are something we do separately,with others but not together, weekend breaks aside. Time together whilst is lovely, has a sense of two single souls unconnected. I am not meaning to sound on a huge attack, that is not what this is. It is an understanding of someone. Someone who will see my exhaustion and despite their own do as much as able to ease the burden. Someone whose own development may have had residues of their own parents lives and struggles. Someone who has experienced a grief unimaginable. Someone whose own issues mirror my own yet are in ways parallel and polar opposite. However and what ever the reason and action it leaves me very insecure, unable to trust, without a being to be vulnerable with, without a partner who I would call a soul mate. I should call a soul mate.
Turns out that I am this person also. I am unreachable mostly, the most present person in a room yet the best hidden away. I do let anyone in, no one shall ever see the true and raw vulnerability. I do not confide and I certainly cannot call myself honest or trustworthy. I work on a subconscious, and at times conscious plane of self. I cannot break it depsite my yearning. I don’t want anyone in because then I do not have to suffer their dislike, disapproval, judgements, ill assumptions and ultimately their abandonment. If there is a locked door no one can get in and no one can get out. So is this projection with a higher layer? Or is this two troubled souls meeting and accepting their lot? Or loving their lot? Or not liking and enable to move? Is this two souls loving and recognising the others inability and finding a match that can work on a daily basis? Endless bloody questions.
If one perceives behaviours to fit into a box that is marked intimacy then we assume we get exactly that out. However what if obsession is perceived as trust or love?What if controlling is seen as protective? What if having your needs met is acted out in some sexual form that actually is empty of any love or care? The ingredients for intimacy become skewed, you believe you have intimacy when actually you are left holding a box of the ingredients to a concoction of pain,disaster, anger, hurt and disappointment. This is the moment you tear off the labeled box and rename it “scripts”.
Sex is the go to thought when one says intimacy, actually for myself I have never experienced sex to have any attachment to intimacy. I am prepared for my partner to want to act in a manner that shows their own intimacy, to act in a way that embraces mine. I do not trust it, want it, like it, and I will not accept it. This is not what they get and this is not what I receive. I will deliberately sabotage this possibility, I will use my powers to instill that this is unacceptable behaviour in future. So in my most vulnerable place I shall build fortresses and I shall remain the unobtainable empress. I want to be touched but please wear gloves because I do not want to feel whose skin it belongs, I do not want your hands learning my body, I do not want my naked self to be organically embraced.
This I imagine is to be one of my biggest fights in the war against my own mental health. In the war of love and of intimacy. I know the steps to this is to battle with my own relationship with myself firstly and then hope the dominos kick in and impact outwards.
I feel so stuck within my relationship with my Duck? What if I waste another decade to a man undeserving. What if I destroy what could be a life with a soul like my own? What about those around me that claim to know me yet are kept within the fields surrounding my empire.
It’s painfully lonely and isolating and it has been all I have known to do. I feel robbed of relationships, I feel robbed of my relationship with myself. I feel,today, totally disheartened that I will ever over come and today I believe I will never truly know what intimacy is.