Tears are a welcomed reminder that I am mortal, that I feel pain. They pain my skin, my eyes and my chest, a physical response to something internal. I enjoy the pain of my own tears.
Life as a borderline is painful, some describe it to be like a burns victim with wounds on the emotions, so real it causes physical impact when touched. Maybe this is why self harm through burning feels so right. For me I think of it differently and in different stages. Every single moment of my life I feel others pain, through the strangers I meet, the people I know, a glance at someone in another car in a traffic jam. What ever their pain I feel,raw and no matter the smile. I feel their lives burdens, their insecurities, their weaknesses, their years of tears and negative thoughts. The intensity increases in meeting, every flick of an eye, how they hold their breath and when, where they look and how their mouths move, everything they do tells me their story, allows me in and allows their pain to shift into my soul. Here I hold it and feel it. If a pain or a thought matches one of my own, one I have ever had, in any day, hour or second of my entire life,then my own comes forth. As raw in the moment as it was in the time. Moments in life that most forget come back, the pain in my veins and my soul returns. I carry my own and theirs. Sometimes more than one person at a time. Sometimes the pains of times present and times gone of a group can be held straining my own heart.
Being a borderline mother is the most excruciating of overwhelming emotions. You parent along side your child ego. You parent your children in a way that protects them from darkness. Dark emotions and dark thoughts. You try but life is life and when the shadows cast down on them their pain engraves itself and becomes part of your own. Darkness that most have never seen,darkness most can’t understand. A deep blanket of black that makes its way into your blood never to be drained.
Often people ask what rules the body, the heart or the mind, it’s the heart, without the heart the mind would never be told to function. The mind is a heart soother, it will talk to the emotions and settle its pain. What if the mind becomes faulty? What if the mind found ways to soothe that utilised trickery. What if the mind needed a quick comforter to offer. It can tell the heart it is wrong, or sensitive, it will tell the heart lies to make it stop. It can allow the heart to stop beating for a moment and take the body to a new land where the heart returns to its beat of fantasy, it can remove the pain as if it never happened, totally wiping the moment from existence until triggered again, and when it is all too much to manage it will remind the heart to forget and play. It will throw the heart a child, care free, no sense of consequence, impact, responsibility, or mature defences. Here the heart is rebooted and stripped back to its basic mode. No pain.
When I am in so much pain and am sent a child ego, people laugh and smile at the me that plays, has energy, jokes, brings a lighter atmosphere. I cannot establish their emotions and I don’t care to. I feel no pain of theirs or of my own, even if I tried. I can be naughty and mischievous, love and live high. I eat without guilt, I make promises I cannot keep, I can dance like I am at a holiday camp, I will not tire and I will forget each second that passes. Rainbows and rain replace the fog and I can see. My inner child speaks to my children with an understanding and offers assistance in their language. My children enjoy the lack of rules. But like any child, my inner child tires and as this happens it allows through the cracks the darkness and with the darkness comes the pain. Eventually the inner child’s peace keeping time is over.
The pain that summoned the child returns, it is darker once you have gotten used to the light. The mind stops. It has to protect itself having been left holding the pain and now the guilt and the shame,no mind to take it,no detachment, no denial, no make believe, no mania and child ego. The heart will stop or burst. Their are two ways, to stop the heart,even the thoughts of the ways cause more pain, suddenly carrying the pain of others, the pain of your lack of care, the pain itself invites another pain. To make small gaps for the pained blood,the poison,allowing it to seep and lessen, it is the only option left. For now. If you don’t want to die. Until the soothing mind returns.
This is when I stand up, I dress and I put my make up on. My eyes shall not leak, I shall ensure life runs in a protective and controlled manner, I shall heal those whose pain I carried. I shall ensure they never feel this again, I shall prevent, I shall comfort, when their minds stop I shall be there. I shall soothe the black hearts. The fogs around them. I will not let them carry mine or let mine cloud their own.
If this happens I know their is a price to pay, I know life will remind me of my mistakes and lack of care. I know that my ability to feel the pain means I have the ability to heal their pain, I know this to be my duty. To not do so is dark and I must not have more and I shall not allow it out. I shall keep check on how much darkness is in my black heart. If it clouds others I shall punish myself. I will learn.
This is a bpd heart. This is the conditions of a bpd heart. This is the curse and the blessing. This is a bpd life. A bpd day. A bpd second.