Lucifer lucifer, how does it feel now that you banished yourself with your narcissistic actions? What I am sure hurts most is the fact that my throne is comfy and I am not lonely within the reign of my own life. The dragon is calm in that mofo trunk and I have nothing to prove to the world. I still feel un human in ways yet with more humanity than I had ever wished for myself. So I shall enjoy listening to the sound of my own violin.
Many of my blogs, if not all, have been based on me trying to understand my own therapeutic issues surrounding life and romance, why wouldn’t they when it was the basis of the beginning. Now I sit with coffee and not wine and I reflect back and acknowledge that some how in that I still made it all about that duck. Was that not half the problem? Was that not what drove the road of my therapy life? Was that not almost what played a factor in dictating my own mental health.
Can I blame a duck of my life? For my shit? No. It was me and it was always with me, even when I knew it was I didn’t act or react in a way that owned it. Did such duck upset my soul? Yes. Did I let him? For sure. So really lucifer duck never had full power. What changed?
Well nothing about him it would seem, the change was my own. Slowly slowly I forced a tc ponder, a simple question, over time it got bigger and it became my go to thought in moments of confusion and panic. What about me? A question I have previously discussed here in many ways but with a response I could not ever action. I don’t regret that, it’s a learning curve, one I never thought would get me an award of excellence, yet here I stand and I think.. I’m good, I changed me, with alot of work in and out of therapy space and with the support of the most amazing people I will ever have had, I finally did it and the rewards have been immense. I always reminded myself I was ok and I was safe, this helped me to feel able to take steps forward to confront what really made me feel I wasn’t. I had to manage a wash of guilt, mostly of what I had allowed near my children, not just with this duck but with a flock. I have had to work through not only how to pick them up and accept a forever healing process but also the guilt of who I had become. Who I had allowed me to become.
I was so fiery before my break, I knew what was acceptable and unacceptable treatment and had allowed the unacceptable for very old reasons. I did however in this time protect my children, I had thought, from the back lash of any duck in a storm. After the break I lost my voice, I lost the belief I had that not only did I have one but that it was purposeful. With my regained voice I have had to accept that whilst I believed I was protecting my children I did in fact bare myself to be held totally responsible for any impact. It almost sounds unfair doesn’t it? It isn’t. However I chose to do what I did and with what ever reason it was and is mine to own. My eldest two got a bad example of my boundaries, of my forgiving nature and of my sense of worth. This rippled onto them in such a way I’m sure it has become somewhat an incorrect belief they hold for themselves. At times they also believe I put a duck before them, his needs, I think I actually did. With no intention, I always tried to soothe the duck in the hope to minimise his impact on them, ultimately the impact became my own. I hope though that I can own and always learn and try to own that, take responsibility for it and aim to heal that part of them. Whilst it’s painful I’m glad it’s at my feet because I sure as shit couldn’t trust any other adult around them to do the same thing. I also know not owning it eventually destroys the one it’s with and those around them so it’s a small price to pay for a bigger, hopefully one day, positive consequence.
So what now? Well I don’t get to manage it too easily, I still believe I can make and break and so the result of that is the ever ending duty to heal I feel ( THE BPD HEART BLOG explains this better), so it goes without saying that lucifer duck gets the same treatment as previous ducks. Forgiveness and kindness. I know no one means anything ill towards me and my ducklings and that life is life and everyone has their own reasons, so as a result he still has me in his life, for ever worrying and forever caring. Behind some bad times were also so many good and I will forever cherish those memories, however for me it was damaging so now I allow it all to live alongside each other in the hope that one day it unites into a healthy happy place that allows us to be friends. Even best ones. I know it sounds deluded but that is where I am at.
For my future.. It has allowed me to finally understand what I want. What I need. What I have and want to give and all that it will bring in return. Not just for me, but for some pretty fragile babies who need a positive male role model ( aside from relatives who are the absolute best ones already). Not only do I want cherished, nurtured and allowed to grow, I want to offer that and I want my children to understand through experience and through observation what a healthy happy relationship really really is. Even on days of disagreement, of annoyance, disheartened emotion and any negativity I want them to feel nothing but security, safety, love, respect and a forfilled contentment ( contentment makes me fat, another small price to pay).
So after a while of getting to understand and love me for me, of bringing peace back to the home and of learning even more blue jobs I decided I was ready to dip my toe in the water of the pond that apparently has many fishes. Me and my new perspective were ready and waiting to catch the next fish, and along came a merman 🧜♂️.
yakityyaksarahtalksback 