COVID 19, sure as shit you have made and broken my year. You have tested my relationship and my friendships, taught me that even with all the time in the world I will never be on top of my studies, I will never catch up with washing, my house won’t gleem, I shall never master being a fitness queen, I won’t embrace motherhood, nor will I ever home school permanently, my dog won’t be on the next talent show for tricks and I will not be re-born anything at the end. What I will walk away with is knowing who I have missed the most, siblings. I speak alot to the brother, but the other not as much, the other I miss tons, I love them both so much and miss them both so much but something else happens with a sister.
In a sister you get a best friend, one who has seen every bad fashion choice, bad man choice, every bad parenting move and still loves ya as you do them. We are surrounded by very complex memories of us and of our family, we can walk in silence in hanger, cry and laugh, disagree and agree, feel bitter and better and no matter what the love and support is still present. Things you would walk away from in any other friendship, or choose a friend for, is in one place, the most beautifully complex relationship between two women you will ever witness. It’s assumed we would be the same person, same parents, same upbringings, same perspective, nothing could be further from the truth in many ways. A large age gap and my teen pregnancy past means with technicality it should be a more maternal relationship, but it is not.
On my best days I tell her, on my worst she is there, in an anxiety state in Central London she will be there, when I love and hate my children, there she is, everything in between we can go days or weeks without chatting but I take for granted how there she always is, always was and probably always will be. Far away from twins and yet she knew when I went into labour, she threw up more than me when I was sick and she dreams my worries for me at times, no exaggeration I really worry about repaying the labour sympathy pains, but all in how lucky am I?
It’s easy and a given assumption that as the older sister you do more, give more, offer more to the younger siblings, whilst at times I felt this way especially when they were young, I definitely do not feel this way now. Nor have I for a long time. I am not good at expressing these emotions, or recognising them even. What I did notice in the whole Covid 19 situation was, when allowed near one person she was the first person I went to, the first in my mind, the first I realised I missed. Had I have been asked prior I don’t think I would have guessed so,yet on her doorstep I found myself even to my own surprise.
Having a sister isn’t all fabulous, fun, United, one wave length, sympathy shiz, in fact in ways it can be very opposite, but what it is.. Is an unconditional best friend, who will say shit you don’t want to hear, who will at times argue witb you. Who will remember you, love or think of you with conflict and love equally, despite will always be there and want nothing but the best. I hope that is how she feels too, I almost feel confident she does. The person I can bitch about family too yet know we love them and unite under the fire of anyone else daring to do the same. The person who will see you threaten security in an Amsterdam sex show, all over a damn coat, or never know the energy it took not to beat their fellow 8 year old mate, the person who you wouldn’t dream of letting walk home from a park at 12 stoned out of their face or feeling homesick at uni, the one who laughs at your kids with you, who loves and hates your men as is warranted, the one who has your back at every minute in every situation, run to the furthest gate at an airport with.. Its endless.
My heart drops a wee bit for girls without sisters, my own daughter for example, but the best bit of that is my daughter can share the relationship I have with my sister. How can one person fit so nicely to both, in between?
The questions your own teen daughter asked that you couldn’t awnser. . “ask auntie Heather”, when your daughter at 20 hits some crisis, ” Fgs go meet Heather in Thailand”. How bloody lucky am I?! Yes I was jealous and missed my gemini duo alot but how amazing for us all to have that?! This sister gets away with screaming she loves a teen hoodrat boy nephew in the bronx.. He let’s her!? He almost enjoys it. She breaks their hatred of hugs from anyone but me, she breaks the whole cliche auntie label out of the water.
So when this is over, when asked, I thought I would first run to my eyebrow technician, nail technician, doctor for my fat ass, but actually I don’t care where I go but I want to see my sister, spend time with, bitch with, laugh with, cry with, cry because of lol, annoy, what ever, with my sister.
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