Debt bondage is a common form of modern day slavery, yet after having spent seven years with a son in this situation it is a term I did not know until recently, I knew it as simply as him being put into debt by those who were exploiting him. The beginning of this as far as I am aware was when very early on (aged around 14) he would be robbed/ mugged for earnings and drugs, it would always transpire that those responsible had links back to the group that he ran for. He would never hear that it was suspicious, and he could not grasp the fact that they would do this to him, they liked him, they are his friends, they promised to protect him. At times the group would even go as far as providing him with a show of strength and would pretend that they would all deal with it for him, coming out in force and apparently able to get back the drugs but not the money so therefor he was in debt. This would cause him great stress and upset and in place elements of confusion. As a family it was intimidating and scary to have such a show of strength occuring outside your door. The traumas left from him being robbed have never left him or us, never mind the debt and a feeling he was at risk and consequently unable to stop. Debt bondage seemed to have a process that allowed the debt to increase with various tactics. He once had hidden his supply of drugs (as advised) in a field and low and behold someone dug it up and he faced a debt of £400, this had him hysterical, adamant that he was going to die or that he would be hurt if it was not paid. His stress, fear and upset were so much so that I paid it off instantly, I am a single mum so you can only imagine the strain this put on our whole household, over the years the household debt one way or another has mostly been because of what he faces, debt bondage or paying to having the doors and windows boarded. He was complimented by the group for payment ( the one I made) “that was very noble of you to get the money” “we really appreciate you understanding and paying it” “that was really impressive”, this made him feel liked, accepted, manly and respected. Clever going on a grooming front, I felt I paid for a whole new move. In hindsight what a mistake I had made. I could never take the money I had paid them from him out of any earnings, I could not ever make him feel I needed money or that his money would benefit the home, aiming to reduce how trapped or obligated he felt to do what he was doing. They began buying things for him, a bike (their benefit) an expensive coat ( their benefit, keep him warm and reduce his need to return home), a phone (their benefit) not out of kindness, they ran it like a catalogue, buy now pay later. Joke was on us, he paid to keep running comfortably and for their benefit. For someone that did not stop working, missed school to do so, he never had any spare money at all, he would still ask me for money for drinks on hot days. He continued to pay off the debts to them with a phenomenal work ethic, after some time he cleared them, so they upped their game. Every day he would count his money obsessively over and over and over again because they began telling him each day he was short. I found myself doing things that went against my own character to keep him and us safe, I would recount the money whilst telling him I hated it all. I even counted his friends money because they were scared too and becoming obsessed with money, children essentially known to child services terrified and who was helping them. We cannot stop it but how do we reduce their risk of violence? He was never short, of course, but they still insisted he was, he began self-harming extensively at this stage, stressed and traumatised he now had stitches to prove his own agony and pain. Clever him one day added an extra amount to the money he gave them and when they claimed it was low, he laughed and told them he had tricked them and warned them not to lie to him again. Getting older, bolder and with a decline in mental health he felt more able to push his luck or just did not care if he lived or died anymore. This did not go down well with the group exploting him, their next step, they would send bigger, older, scarier people to rob him, one incident was so bad if he had told the police properly, he would have been front papers I’m sure, I told the agencies but without his co-operation it could not go further, and he could not risk being seen as a grass. The fear trapped him and me. He was left traumatised and not long after he self-harmed so badly he required stitches (he pulled these out in a custody cell later). To tackle this and prevent it from happening again, he used his money to buy a faster bike, then he began stealing mopeds etc so that he could get around quicker but also actually so that he could not be caught and robbed as easily, the police too found him harder to catch and he saw the police as a threat to his debt. He also admitted he needed to make the area “hot” he needed a police presence and he was prepared to make that the case to keep himself safe, what could happen now? Increased violence, to keep him in place they have hurt him, threatened him, rumours of kidnap that he will not confirm, and they have threatened his family. One person is in jail and blames my son for grassing (he didn’t), fabulous but sadly there are others and so it continues, even for myself it becomes better the devil you know because when one is taken off the streets along comes someone worse. Debt bondage is what traps them, it increases the use of violence and intimidation causing truama to our children. It scares families and when we are scared we cannot always meet their needs as we are too focused protecting the home and younger children. Win again to them. It is hard to make these children feel like they can stop and to stop safely and it is made impossible when they feel like they are indebted and worse yet, the one who they feel is responsible for the safety of those they love most and who love them most.

Vi is the biggest criminal

When a woman with no self worth or purpose becomes a mum what occurs is a woman whose only worth and purpose is being a mum. Meet me a young mum, who had children whilst being a child and who saw her children as an extension of herself. Wrong yes, fact yes, intentional no. The idea was to raise them with the opposite of what I knew, a hub of safety and a hub of warmth, acceptance and love. “Its not possible to love someone too much but its possible to love them the wrong way” Violet Kray quoted.

The failings were equally being all of the aims. I thought that without fear came something but it appears without fear comes something else, a lack of boundaries and as result a lack of all I aimed to achieve. Who knew being the opposite would breed the same results?!? Not I. A helicopter parent is as damaging as any other. The children cannot self comfort, cannot implement boundaries internally or externally and they cannot take responsibility because somewhere is a parent clearing up their mess, clearing the path and ready to scoop them up when the going gets tough. Ultimately creating daddy’s girls, mummy’s boys and a co dependant relationship. Their futures dimming because actually whose need were we meeting?!

I have three beautiful and amazing children, the first I felt needed to acheive to rid any judgements of a young mum, for who? She has and did and is the most unbiasedly beatifull and clever girl, I needed (yep me) her to never rely on a man, to be self suffiecient for her own safety and wellbeing. The third has to acheive to prove single mums have this and make zero difference on the child’s ability to achieve, again for who?! Whilst yes they can and whilst yes statistically it stands them in good stead, can I honestly say it was without a shed of selfishness? Probably not. But what about the second? What about the middle child? Nothing to prove, who at the time had an average age mum, not single, not mental. What about him? My ways created a mummies boy, a co dependancy and a lack to push. Good intent but bad impact. The most bitter pill I have ever had to swallow in my life is that despite the world saying it isn’t my fault, knowing my name will be on the lips of them in a therapy session one day. Rightfully too. Whilst aiming to create something ultimately what I created was those with no sense of responsibility and with a sense someone (me) will always be behind them clearing up the mess. So who really is the bad guy? I encouraged out the box thinking, encouraged fighting for what you believe, encouraged forgiving the very wrong, encouraged loving without boundary, encouraged doing what you wanted and all without fear. I created something that did not fit into society, some may say good, until you are the one saving them or fixing and clearing up ..it is not good. Conformity like it or not is what has the world ticking, is what society expects and is what society is ready to punish if it is not given, right or wrong, if you go against it you face the wrath and like or not, agree or not, that is then your life. So albeit my middle child’s.

Is he stupid? The opposite. Will he conform?never. Is he seen in a negative light? All the time. It is hard to pull apart his choices and behaviours, ASD and ADH traits, my genes being a double blow, he has experienced traumas and emotional strains and with a different comprehension on top. He is sensitive, kind and caring when it is apparent to be needed, reading the needed is the issue, this kid could rule the world from the sidelines incredible. He needs to feel important, safe, indestructible and his ADHD needs not to be bored, he needs a male that loves without condition who he can finally feel safe to hand the reigns to and finally sleep well because of. What is the pathway for this? Exploitation. A child with no purpose, no clarity, no responsibility, no boundaries, sense of self, worth or self love, who feels he is the man of the house and who has been told to look after his mum, is gonna find a way to gain a fix and for sure that plays out in the unholiest of ways, why wouldn’t it and how couldn’t it? The kid that says mummy, gets into my bed, asks for cuddles off of me, cuddles his brother and sleeps sat up right to protect the family home is also the kid playing adult, gangster, dangerously and self neglectfull. Why wouldn’t he when he believes there is someone ready to clean, clear and solve his choices, all my doing, not his. The pill is a sharp and jarring one when you finally admit somehow and someway you created a mob boy, or one who wants to play that role hard, who takes no responsibility and has no care of impact. So who really is to blame?

It is possible to hate the things you love most. If and when I die my children will love and hate me for being overly forgiving and overly kind, my shit that is now theirs, destroying them more than it ever did or will me. My attempts to correct myself lay clouds of confusion and misunderstanding over theirs and they have done what I did and gone the opposite way, potentially ending up right back at the cycles I aimed to stop, different path same destination. Everything they know they repeat, everything they love they repeat and sadly everything they hate they repeat. A concoction for disaster and one day I will not be here to help undo or correct things and they will stand alone as the ghosts of me and my own past as well as their own.

I now have produced the hard nut kid, the hoody who needs a hug but gets in his mums bed to cry, laugh or cuddle. I have a kid in an adult world with little comprehension as to their young self’s in it, a kid who cannotf invisage anything else and a kid so prepared to die in it, for so many vile, hurtful and complex reasons, with beyond zero sense of impact. A very very loved child who was failed first and for the most part by those who really needed not to. Its an easy shift to blame every institution or person but in the end it will be me over the casket and me who chokes on the bitter pill. A child who has so many gifts and has brilliantly fabulous qualities that is left out to dry despite attempts because ultimately the foundations for him were failed.

So now I spend life aiming to protect, clear up, clean out..not his actions but my own and the results they had. Before anyone punishes or calls him to justice surely it is me that should stand on the stand first? I started his life fighting for him, to deliver something new and fresh, to end up fighting for the same things whilst using a different approach

Everything I did which was in stark contrast actually resulted the same and that same was my worst nightmare. Here I am saving him from that. To be a parent is the most brutal thing and it is like holding a mirror up to yourself from the day each child is born. The reailty is are we raising a new someone or are we second chancing ourselves without skill, are we setting them up consciously or subconsciously? I truly believe so. Who am I to allow them to place my crown? Who am I to use them as evidence of my own self or as an example of my accomplishment? Who am I to take credit for who they are? Surely they are nowt but a credit and example of themselves and whilst being naughty I am extremely proud of their resistance and resilience. I can but hope the light comes and leads them to a better life and I hope they hold no one but themselves to merit. All that I want now and all we all need now is for them to follow me home, memories are alterable, correctable, chances need to be taken on one another with the knowing that the home is where love is and where intent is honest. Haunted is not a future and haunted is a past concept, everything is okay and manageable when the home has an optimum equilibrium.

Ronaing with a teen.. The sock in mouth kid.

SAFE!